My New Charity!
I’m spending too much time on social media and getting too many requests from “friends” to contribute to their favorite charity mainly because they, a child or a friend has contracted some horrible or maybe-not-so-bad disease.
I’m probably being heartless when I say that I don't want to hear about your relative who has bad health news, and I certainly don't want to make a contribution to some high-overhead charity. (Wendi and I give decent amounts to causes we support.) I've also got enough of my own problems. Several years ago I was diagnosed with a not-so-terrible chronic problem that you don't need to hear about, and I don't need your help or prayers (the latter of which don’t seem to help… what does help is medication and science). However, one side effect of my condition is explosive diarrhea.
Therefore, in the spirit of Seinfeld’s George Costanza’s "Human Fund" I am establishing the Explosive Diarrhea Foundation. Like any "worthy" charity, we have slogans:
It's not your father's ED.
It's only funny if you don't have it.
One out of ten people have ED, so pick your seat carefully.
ED stinks.
You can help wipe out ED.
In the interest of political neutrality, I’m asking both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to be honorary chairpeople and the faces of ED.
We are planning our first annual ED walkathon on April 1, but are having trouble finding a city that wants us.
And we are reaching out to potential sponsors like Lysol, Depends, and Charmin.
Of course, no disease can be fully recognized unless one of its victims overcomes it to do something special. I'm looking forward to the day when little Simone Bileduct wins the Olympic floor exercise in spite of her ED. Even better, I'll cheer when Bubba Jones becomes the first ED victim to play center in the NFL. Or, dare I wish, singer Harry Underwood makes a comeback and wins American Idol after having his initial audition spoiled by an onstage episode of ED.
Like most charities, we really don't want to find a cure because then we'll have to fire the high paid staff. However, if we accidentally do find a cure, we'll go after Projectile Vomiting!
So the next time you are schnored for a contribution, tell them you’ve made a donation to the ED Foundation!